Re-Booty Call

By now you've heard that NBC has ordered a pilot for a Munsters remake. Some purists may be appalled, but I for one am stoked. Anyone who appreciated the late, lamented "Pushing Daisies" knows Bryan Fuller is the perfect choice for this task.
Trust me, this isn't going to be like that shitty Munsters TV movie they did in the 90's, this is going to be a complete re-imagining of the source material (which, let's face it, wasn't exactly Citizen Kane in the first place).
Remember, nerds: it IS possible to love Adam West Batman AND the Dark Knight. And Mr. Fuller, if you're interested, I have a fun, edgy one-hour spec about a loveable revivified corpse making his way in the ruthless ad industry of the early 60's called "Sterling Cooper Munster Price". Call me!

The Freakiest Episode Yet

If you thought rubber bats and skeleton puns were the most fearsome weapons in THE MUNSTERS' fright arsenal, then you will not be prepared for the psycho-sexual nightmare that is today's episode: "Lily Munster, Girl Model". It would make Stanley Kubrick pee his panties. Read on, below in comments, if you dare!
We open with Lily in the middle of a full on Betty Draper existential crisis. She tries to fill the pit in her eternally damned soul with a job. After a few (hilarious) false starts, she becomes a fashion model, and her catwalk technique is the clear antecedent of Elaine's herky-jerky dance on Seinfeld. This is where it starts to get weird...
Herman gets jealous at the idea of strange men ogling his wife. His solution? He will make HER doubly jealous by coming to her fashion show disguised as a "Texas Playboy". Grandpa drinks a special potion and turns into a hot blonde chick (probably an actress they kept handy should the need for a third Marilyn arise). How unsettling is it to hear Grampa's voice come out of the mouth of a sexy lady? HELLA unsettling. So then...
‎(Gender identity is topsy turvy throughout the episode: Eddie is turned into a little girl, the fey fashion designer has a female assistant named Irving, etc etc)
So! Texas Playboy Herman shows up to the fashion show and forces his wife to watch him MAKE OUT with HER FATHER while she's on stage. Her silent movie-worthy shock take at the scene is wrought with emotion: anger, fear, jealousy, and yes--AROUSAL! It is fucking bananas.
Oh, and did I mention Herman literally turns into Frank Sinatra at one point? That's probably the most normal thing that happens. RATING: 5 out of 5 creepy Eyes Wide Shut sex party masks.

Little Old Lady from Transylvania

Finally, an episode focusing on the most awesome member of the family, the MUNSTER MOBILE! In "Hot Rod Herman", Herman dresses up like Al Pacino in "Cruising" and gets hustled by Leadfoot Baylor, a degenerate gambler/attempted murderer. Luckily Grampa saves the day in his super-speedy Drag-ula coupe. Classic ending, cute outfit worn by Marilyn, and lots of sweet vintage stock footage of the Pomona Raceway. RATING: 5 out of 5 nitro-burnin' funny cars

Scary Folk

When Eddie MUNSTER borrows a tape recorder from a friend, you know it won't be long before that showboat in neck bolts Herman commandeers it to cut his own folk demo. Because the knee bone's connected to the hambone on that motherfucker. And if there's one thing the Munsters run into more often than con artists, it's show biz gatekeepers, so Hermy baby's song becomes a smash hit overnight. He TOTALLY goes Hollywood. It's awesome. Beret, shades, fay affect. I kind of dozed off before the end, but I assume he developed a big coke problem and choked on his own vomit (LILY: Herman! Take smaller bites!). RATING 4 out of 5 Berets. Here's the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C85kTwFEymo

Cult Fusion

We count on the MUNSTERS for their fun, scary-is-sweet worldview. But in "Happy Valley Herman" that aesthetic tumbles into full blown nihilistic dread. As the family surveys their newly purchased vacation property in an Old West ghost town, it's hard not to think of a certain other scary 60's "family" setting up shop at Spahn Ranch. They end up selling the property to a defense contractor at a huge profit. When Eddie laments the loss of their land, Herman assures him it's for the best. "Thanks to us, those nice missile salesman will someday wipe out all of humanity". AND HE'S NOT FUCKING KIDDING!! My DVR cut off the tag, but I assume they joke about the Pigs or the coming race war. RATING: 1 out of 5 helter skelters
One moment of levity: when the 2 real estate con men pack up their entire boiler room operation into a single suitcase (in fast motion, naturally)

Harvey Danger

If you feel violated by the data-mining practices of Facebook et al, then today's MUNSTERS will be a real catharsis for you. The 'subscriber information computer' of Event Magazine chooses the M's as, statistically, "The Average American Family." They send a boozehound photographer (Harvey Korman!) and a rapey reporter (a great character actor named Fred Beir), who never stops creeping on poor Marilyn (Beverly Owen), to do a story. The point is... ..the interlopers get the shit scared out of them and end up leaping out of a window, presumably to their death. RATING: 5 out of 5 fangs. FUCKING HILARIOUS SPOILER ALERT: when Herman pops into a local diner, it's literally a hair raising experience for several patrons. We had to rewind and watch that part like 7 times.

Wait a minute... Marilyn's BEAUTIFUL!

Poor poor Marilyn MUNSTER. Even when she wins, she loses. "Herman The Tire Kicker" is ostensibly about her getting her first car, but is really about how she needs to get far far away from Mockingbird Heights ASAP. We open with her skipping breakfast for the 3rd day in a row (eating disorder alert!). She has to leave early for the long hike to school, allegedly. But probably she's going somewhere to cut herself, just so she can feel something under her tight (and invariably long sleeved) sweater. Right away I want to cry, but then Herman pounds the table and pancakes land on his head, so I'm laughing. Anyway... Herman volunteers to use his bonus money to buy her a used car. He goes downtown where Honest Dan (the reliably creepy Frank Gorshin) is huddled in a tent on a vacant lot with a band of itineret character actors.
Honest Dan "swindles" Herman out of $375 (for a '53 Bel Air convertible! Split window!), which of course was stolen, and Herman gets arrested. He gets thrown into the drunk tank, where we are treated to every comedy booze-take you care to name. The family comes to bail him out, but he might have to stay the weekend. That is until Marilyn sweet talks the desk sergeant. Now get this:
Lily LIKES it, and thinks it's wonderful, how the police have taken pity on her niece, due to her 'deformities'. Telegram for Lily Muster! FUCK YOU! Stop.
So Marilyn gets screwed out of her car, but guess what!? Transportation to and from school is no longer an issue. She now gets a ride from a different police man every day! Talk about crossing the Thin Blue Line! Can you imagine this poor kid, with her body dysmorphia issues and thirst for any kind of approval, what these disgusting pigs are doing to her? The mind reels.
Still, the pancake thing was a fucking riot. RATING: 5 out of 5 head pancakes.